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Jaap de Jonge
Editor, Netherlands
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8 Resolutions for Difficult Interpersonal Conversations
Sometimes a conversation (at work) can be awkward, difficult or not effective, despite of good intentions.
Monique Valcour describes 8 practical techniques you can apply to get a difficult interpersonal conversation "back on track":
- SHIFT THE RELATIONSHIP from opposition to partnership.
Place yourself in the other person's shoes.
- REFRAME YOUR PURPOSE from convincing to learning.
Don't focus on making the other person adopt your view.
- VERBALIZE YOUR INTENTION.
Tell explicitly what you are trying to achieve with the conversation.
- AVOID ASSUMPTIONS.
Especially about what the other person is "probably" thinking.
- ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR PART.
Admit you make/made mistakes too.
- LEARN YOUR ABCD'S.
Avoid Blame, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.
- Examine difficult issues with OPENNESS AND CURIOSITY.
- SEEK INPUT to problem-solving.
Ask for feedback.
⇒ In what way do you turn a problematic conversation into a more positive one? Thanks for sharing your experiences and tips...
Source: Monique Valcour, "Eight Ways to get a Difficult Conversation Back on Track", HBR Fall 2018, pp.14-15.
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Gregory Johnson
Coach, United States
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Prescription to Civil Intelligence Reducing combative and confrontational discussions is really needed. Today's professional and social environment is being fed this ugly confrontational behavior as a required manner of exchange between individuals.
The "8 ways to get a difficult conversation back on track" is a fantastic prescription to create a more civil way of interacting professionally. Living in civility is much needed if we are to embrace the value of "relationships". In order to have a true relationship, be it personal or professional, we must be civil and de-escalate potential powder kegs during professional exchanges.
Those that employ the barbaric behavior of power are relics that should go back to the stone ages. People want to be respected whether you agree or disagree.
As such, this small prescriptive message is powerful in many ways. Let's display it in our professional lives as well as our personal lives. Remember, we are role models as leaders - 24 hours a day.
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Sandra Osbon
Entrepreneur, United States
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The Role of Power and Struggle in Interpersonal Conflicts Rather than "being fed" an ugly behavior, Hocker and Wilmot (1978) argue that the system (professional and social environment) may be reflecting a struggle in process, and individual behaviors indicate a struggle with the system as a whole (p. 59).
Power in itself is not barbaric, but is according to Hocker and Wilmott (1978) a product of the interpersonal relationship, not of the individual, and is central to the study of conflict. It stems from people's mutual dependencies and it is always present. People balance power either productively or destructively, hopefully practicing the better exercise of productive power balancing" (pg. 70, 71).
Source: Hocker, J., Wilmot, W. (1978). Interpersonal Conflict (2nd Edition). DuBuque, IA: Wm Brown Pub.
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Jaap de Jonge
Editor, Netherlands
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Interpersonal Conflict Resolution @Sandra Osbon: Thank you for suggesting the in-depth book on interpersonal conflicts by Hocker and Wilmot. According to the 10th Edition (2017), perception is at the core of conflict analysis.
WHAT IS AN INTERPERSONAL CONFLICT? DEFINITION
The authors define an interpersonal conflict as "an expressed struggle between at least two people (parties) who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from other(s) in achieving their goals".
Sometimes these conditions are (believed to be) true, but sorting out what is perceived and what is inter-personally accurate forms the basis of conflict analysis.
FIRST CONFLICT ANALYSIS
Careful attention to the elements that make up conflict will help you understand an apparently unresolvable conflict. When a conflict remains muddled and unclear, it cannot be resolved. When you first perceive that you are in conflict with somebody else, you may want to immediately get him/her to change. Usually, that initial attempt fails and you may feel hopeless. Instead, you will need to learn to change your own behavior.
THEN CONFLICT RESOLUTION
After conflict analysis is done, conflict resolution begins. Valcour's 8 ways are practical suggestions you can apply.
Source: Wilmot, William W., Hocker, Joyce L. (2017). Interpersonal Conflict (10th Edition), pp. 2-3, McGraw-Hill Education.
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Allemeersch
Interim Manager, Belgium
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In a Conflict There is Always a 'Third' Person In all conficts or discussions there is always a third person, even without being present. I refer to the environment. What will others think if I lose or if I win or both win or loose?
This third entitiy plays a big role in the resolving of the conflict. Identifying it or especially naming it, can help to resolve the problem faster.
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Gregory Johnson
Coach, United States
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Humanistic Bridge Building There is a universal tendency in human behavior to use damaging language, like identifying something as a "PROBLEM", before really trying to find a solution.
Imagine a problem-solving process that celebrates what you do well, instead of one that concentrates primarily on your weaknesses. When a group or individuals focuses its attention on what it does well and tries to create more of those successes, the presenting problems recede, sometimes dramatically. This doesn't mean they get erased; the power of the negative diminishes when you choose a different set of lenses.
Focus on the good things or aspects of the work environment or project and manage whatever the issue that is the point of discussion as a challenge, is like building a bridge together versus stirring up an emotional diatribe. Speak to how the challenge on the bridge fits or doesn't fit into the quality of the organization or environment.
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kevin DAVIES
United Kingdom
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Streight Talking I agree with all that's been said and there are some very relevant principles announced in the tail.
However, specifically regarding the environmental person, in a fast paced business world, there is...
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Andreas Sloma, Germany
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Reaction on #4: Verbalize your Intention It is important to represent the given position well. This should be done with "fingerspitzengefühl" (Editor: ~careful, precise consideration). Your own needs and the recommended path should be emphas...
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Oscar Camey
Lecturer, United States
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Look for Coincidences in Difficult Interpersonal Conversations Conflicts will always be present in the inter-relationship of people and this is natural, two or more people never think the same or have the same opinion. This normal opposition can have its escalati...
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Maurice Hogarth
Consultant, United Kingdom
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Resolving Conflict in Interpersonal Conversations Assuming this relates to differing points of view (pov) about a work concern, weave into the 8 points:
The acceptance that we want ‘conflict’ of ideas (sparking off/building on) without conflict ...
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Chloe Xu
Director, Australia
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What is the Best Way to Have Stressful Conversations? Stressful conversations are ineluctable in the workplace. According to Weeks, a communication expert, greater self-awareness, rehearsals, and 3 proven communication techniques can improve tough conver...
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Johan Roels
Consultant, Belgium
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Crucial Dialogues In 2012, so ten years ago, I published a (Dutch) book: "Crucial Dialogues", some more info is here. It's 300+ pages include practically all that has been written and is based on that natural process o...
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Anonymous
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Conflicts as Struggle It's insightful that a conflict can be seen as an expressed struggle between at least two people (parties) who perceived incompatible goals, ideas, thoughts, perceptions, scarce resource and interfere...
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Rob Thompson
Coach, United Kingdom
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Perceiving and Working with Vulnerability The idea that conflict is partly attributable to struggles with the system as suggested by @Sandra Osbon is an important trait of personal and professional awareness. The 'third person' referred to by...
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Matt Rocco
CEO, United States
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Making Difficult Conversations Less Difficult In my 38 years as a business leader, I have learned that difficult conversations become less difficult when you put in the time and effort to develop relationships built on trust with those you lead o...
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Maurice Hogarth
Consultant, United Kingdom
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Psychomotor Imagery Rehearsal @Chloe Xu, picking up on your point about REHEARSALS for difficult conversations; many moons ago, last century... I was introduced to "psychomotor imagery rehearsal" (It was told that it was developed...
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